"How was Glastonbury, Emily?"
"It was fab!"
"Did you see Beyoncé?"
"No, but I heard her first track was 'Crazy in Love'. I like that one."
"Who was your favourite act?"
"Well, I like to digest the experience as a whole."
And then, the conversation falls flat. Living vicariously through me must be a huge disappointment. I don’t return from Glastonbury, talk about Beyoncé, share televised appearances and connect.
I didn't see Beyoncé, Coldplay, Morrissey, Queens of the Stone Age, The Chemical Brothers, Paul Simon or Mumford and Sons. It's hard to find common ground with the people that watch Glastonbury from the sofa. Well, it is if you're me!
Floundering, I mention seeing reasonably well-known acts, like The Kills, Laura Marling, Janelle Monáe or Bombay Bicycle Club. Glazed eyes generally look back.
Struggling to please, I try to explain the sensation instead of the bands:
"Glastonbury transports you far, far away from day-to-day existence. It flicks away the silly things that most of us - unwittingly - get boxed in by or dragged down by. It's as close as you can get to replacing your soul with a new one each year."
I fail to convey. I sound like someone that believes in the energy of a geographical co-ordinate. I have never used a crystal for spiritual improvement. I have no interest in tarot cards. I don't commune with my lady cycle. I just enjoy a positive experience. Glastonbury Festival offers that. It provides a fantastic combination of entertainment, activity, unusual sights and uncomplicated fun.
I LOVE GLASTONBURY. I love it so much it's ridiculous. It's often the ridiculous that makes me happy. Glastonbury makes me VERY happy! That's what it means and that's what it is to me. I would happily never converse about it in any detail at work or in any other place that boxes me in. It’s not the people, it's the context; rushed conversations between pressures. Instead, I would like to spend the summer, post-Glastonbury, away from the day-to-day, savouring memories with internal freedom, and escaping from the shackles that seemingly never cease to exist outside my mind.
At Glastonbury, I want to go on and on forever. After overeating on a main course of bands, there's a wide choice of pudding. I never get full, despite the numerous courses. I just want more, more, more! I want to amble from adventure to adventure, never missing a moment. Blinks elongate with the threat of sleep, and - reluctantly - I retreat, knowing that I need enough energy to enjoy the first great bands, and yet another glorious day.
Now, not even a week has passed and - already - it seems like a dream. The days of launching legs out of deep sticky mud, just to put them back in again, are gone. By last Sunday morning, extreme heat had miraculously ended the welly yank walk. Mud quickly solidified and became a trancelike memory. With thousands of feet to flatten the land - litter and lost wellies hidden under - the earth soon looked innocent of its recent appetite to ensnare. Rain or shine, the party didn't stop and the spirit stayed buoyant.
In the midst of it all, I saw some bands...
Rating system (from very best to very worst):
Fucking Awesome, Ear Candy, Thumbs Up, Not for Me Thanks, Hideously Awful
*** Thursday 23rd June, 2011 ***
DJak
Tripod Stage
Thumbs Up (6/10)
Sweet melodies drawing on a wide range of influences: a little gypsy, a little reggae and some gentle naive political lyrics.
Tragic Roundabout
Small World Stage
Ear Candy (7/10)
Gypsy folk, with a ska punch and a gritty wombling hoe down. What a jolly mosh pit.
Mr B. the Gentleman Rhymer
Croissant Neuf
Ear Candy (7/10)
He came straight outta Surrey to enjoy the supersized fete. I caught the full set this year. The tent was rammed to the gills. I was very lucky to ease my way towards a line of sight. I even had room to boogie. What a fantastic novelty act to start the biggest party on earth with. Chap-Hop and cricket for the summer then.
*** Friday 24th June, 2011 ***
Cocoon
John Peel
Fucking Awesome (9/10)
Chilled, sweet and inspiring. Indie folk from our French friends.
GroupLove
The Park
Fucking Awesome (9/10)
Bouncy indie with some great alt.spirit.
The Naked and Famous
Other Stage
Ear Candy (7/10)
Their equipment broke, they had to drop a song, the wind was blowing the sound back instead of forth, and dark brooding clouds dropped little globules of spit. Despite all this - by the end of their set - dream-pop conquered.
Emmy the Great
Oxylers in the West
Ear Candy (8/10)
The last four songs (I caught them whilst passing) reminded me how great Emmy can be live.
Cage the Elephant
John Peel
Not for Me Thanks (3/10)
Their last album is so good and this was so bad. The sound was just hideous and the vocals no better. I walked out not long into the set; it was that bad.
The King Blues
Oxylers in the West
Fucking Awesome (10/10)
Tight, engaging, brilliant tunes, fantastic sentiment. I first discovered the King Blues on a Tuesday and by the following Friday I was completely enamoured. I have a back catalogue to learn!
Bright Eyes
Other Stage
Ear Candy (8/10)
The cloaked Conor Oberst played a wonderful set and resisted rocking out until the very end. Wonderful poetic lyricism delivered with heart. Conor seems a little shy with banter, but he tried to rabble rouse and it was appreciated. I liked the fact he pointed out where to buy socks and other items in the field. The band was excellent.
Example
John Peel
Thumbs Up (6/10)
The room did bounce! It's a shame the delivery didn't touch the quality of the album. Example worked hard to move the crowd, but I'd have preferred less MCing and more singing.
Crystal Castles
The Park
Ear Candy (7/10)
It was raining, the ground turned from sticky glue to slop, and wellies could move. Alice Glass, dressed in white, seemed vulnerable instead of wild. Her vocals had a soft fragility. I liked that. They did well in the pouring rain.
*** Saturday 25th June, 2011 ***
The Phoenix Foundation
Oxylers in the West
Fucking Awesome (9/10)
"I love the fantastic vibe", someone shouted. Sums it up!
Yuck
John Peel
Fucking Awesome (9/10)
Beautiful, fantastic delivery of some delicate fuzzy songs. If they had ended delicately, instead of with feedback frenzy, they would have scored 10.
Dry the River
John Peel
Not for Me Thanks (4/10)
Surprisingly dull. I expected more after the EP I heard. Even my favourite song sounded wet.
Graham Coxon
The Park
Thumbs up (6/10)
Graham seemed shy on the big stage. It was rockier than I expected, which lost him points.
The Kills
Other Stage
Fucking Awesome (10/10)
Mesmerizingly gorgeous. They were far from top of my list of bands to see. I could easily have missed this amazing set. Alison Mosshart was fucking amazing. What style!
The Horrors
John Peel
Ear Candy (7/10)
Showcasing some new material as well as some favourites. I liked the fact that new material can ground a band, making them seem less self assured. There again, I missed Farris raising his arms like a god and singing with the force of the devil.
Noah and The Whale
John Peel
Ear Candy (7/10)
I came away with their songs rattling around my head, and they were still there when I got home. Unfortunately, a drunken couple really annoyed me (for 30 minutes prior to the set and then during it). I didn't get into this set as much as I could have. It makes it hard to judge. When I moved far away, so I couldn't see the drunks anymore, I started to have fun. The last three songs were great for me! I really didn't like The Queen 'Bohemian Rhapsody' pre-set build up either. Way too cheesy for me. Grumble grouch Fabpants!
Janelle Monáe
West Holts
Ear Candy (8/10)
What a stage show! What choreography. What a star.
The Boxettes
Chai Wallah
Ear Candy (7/10)
This was impressive. Beat boxing and cappella. I can imagine these girls meeting at school, where a crazy teacher said "Right, you can all sing, but I want you to Beat Box too." I'm no R&B fan, and I wouldn’t buy the music, but it was captivating to witness. I found this little video of Bellatrix (one of the Boxettes) and Marcus Brigstocke: Chicken Versus Duck. It amused me...
*** Sunday 26th June, 2011 ***
The Wombles
Avalon
Ear Candy (8/10)
Full grown men and complete Womble suits in a baking hot tent. Remember you’re a Womble! How could I ever forget.
Laura Marling
Pyramid Stage
Ear Candy (8/10)
So beautiful, it reduced the girl behind me to tears. Laura, how far you have come since I saw you at End of The Road in 2008.
Bombay Bicycle Club
Other Stage
Ear Candy (7/10)
Rather charming jangly indie.
The Vaccines
John Peel Stage
Fucking Awesome (10/10)
The Vaccines album is now so adored, a tent of very happy punters sang along to almost every word! The band has learnt to command the stage. From the shy boys at Audio last November, to men that stand on podiums and play fight for the crowd.
Paul Nathan
Cabaret
Ear Candy (8/10)
An impressive magician in a difficult tent.
Jeff Green
Cabaret
Not for Me Thanks (3/10)
I'm sorry Jeff, but this was plan awful and you know it. Stepping in, on the spur of the moment to do your first set in years, perhaps wasn't the best idea. The Cabaret tent is often full of f-ed up people and you need to be on form. Sexist jokes and jokes about being a dad are just a bit lame. I hope it spurs you on to write some great new material.
Matthew Hardy
Cabaret
Thumbs Up (5/10)
It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t hideous. He rose to the challenge of a difficult audience.
Gruff Rhys
The Park
Ear Candy (8/10)
I thoroughly enjoyed this set. It was quite enchanting and exceeded my expectations.
Who I was sad to miss...
The following acts gained 8/10 in my pre-Glastonbury scores, but clashed with other fine acts:
I am Kloot, Jenny and Johnny, Summer Camp, Dan Mangan, The Joy Formidable, John Grant.
Why are all the good acts on so early in the day?!
Fabpants Recommends:
I returned from Glastonbury in need of a solicitor to help me sue my old landlords for damages. So, let's sing this together:
Download MP3: The King Blues – Let’s Hang The Landlord (courtesy of fileden.com)
Who bleeped out the fucks?! I couldn't find a video with 'em in, which is annoying! So FUCK FUCK FUCK! Oh, and don't forget to hang the landlord...
*** You could turn the video sound down and play the MP3 with all the 'fucks' included. Voilà; a full audio-visual experience. How wonderful.
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