Shock News: I like Birmingham

We went to visit Granny Fabpants this weekend, and for the first time in my life I went to Birmingham. After a lifetime of hearing only bad things about our ‘second city’ (ahem Manchester), I was truly amazed.

We arrived in the city after nightfall, and during our evening stroll we saw many lovely sights. ‘That’s because it was dark’, I hear you cry. Well, you’re wrong. “Wrong, wrong, wrong; absolutely brimming over with wrongability” as good old Rimmer would say. Come morning, we discovered that the places that we’d squinted at in the dark were even better in daylight. Yes, I did have my contact lenses in.

Birmingham city centre hosts an abundance of well conceived public spaces, sunken churches, canals and an excellent form of regeneration that combines modern architecture with fine historical buildings. It was a joy to get cold in.

Most charmingly, as a fierce and bitter wind swept through the city, and chilled my fingers to the bone, I didn’t see one miserable face. In actual fact, the people seemed rather jolly and up for a wide eyed chuckle or two. One prankster had emptied a bottle of bubble bath into ‘The River’ fountain at Victoria Square. The bronze lady - that sits in the middle of the watery well - looked like the queen of public bathing. As Brummies like to call her the Floozie in the Jacuzzi, it was a very apt - if unoriginal - jape. It raised a smile from all that passed, and therein lies its success.

As we walked along the pedestrianised tiles of New Street, we discovered that the bubble bath prankster was not alone in loving life at the daft end of the pool. A lad of about seventeen or so, casually walking in the opposite direction, with his trendy hair and trendy clothes, suddenly and very impulsively jumped arse first into a pile of rubbish bags (filled with cardboard and packaging, not rotten fruit).

We proceeded to watch him, and what has to be his one true friend, take running jumps into the big pile of green bags for a full ten minutes or more. Impulse had evolved into a game. As we left, they were still at it and reorganising the bags for a softer landing. It’s important to look good in town. It was only 6.30pm and there was no indication of drunkenness. They actually seemed to be remarkably focused and mostly oblivious to the world at large. The world at large didn't pay them much mind either. They're all used to it in Birmingham. We were the only ones that stared.

A city where people can have such innocent fun in its central walkway was a delight to me. When we saw a fully grown man doing a silly walk, I had little choice but to do the same.

After a little bit getting lost, we temporarily gave up the joys of sightseeing and silly walks, and retreated to our booking at Sibilas. Sibilas is a vegetarian and vegan restaurant based in a holistic spa and it was fantastic. We sat at a window seat, watched canal boats, ate far too much delicious food and, to my delight, got to use a disabled toilet. Disabled toilets are ace; they're just so roomy. I had a little dance as I pulled my pants up. I know that the extra space is for wheelchairs and assistance, but - if it’s not being used - it’s perfect for the toilet boogie. I’m sure that many disabled folk agree. What is there not to agree on?!

Later on that evening, after gorging ourselves stupid and watching a film, we walked along Broad Street. Numerous clubbers, and a large group of giggling men in matching wigs, walked by. The nightlife was in full flow and the atmosphere was lightly hysterical. My Geek was the first to notice that unlike Brighton, the club strip wasn’t lined with police vans. While there were bouncers outside every venue, the drunken aggression that usually accompanies such locations - particularly on a Saturday night - was noticeably absent. People seemed to be too daft to be violent and surely that’s a good thing.

In conclusion, Birmingham is worth a visit and I fully recommend it. Just don’t go to the rough spots that exist out of town and you’re in for a treat.

Mainly, you should make an effort to see Birmingham’s ‘Walk of Stars’. It’s just like being in Hollywood. We saw Jasper Carrot and Noddy Holder’s names engraved in stars. I’ve since found out that we missed the third (and final) stone in the walk. I’m already planning our next trip just so that we can see it. Don’t tell My Geek, but the last sparkling stone honours a really famous singer and television star. My Geek's gonna wet himself when he finds out. It's so very, very exciting.