All the Ladies in the House Say Yeah

With absolutely no inkling of its odious nature, I’ve been using an offensive term in public spaces, and not infrequently. Could you be at fault too? Are you offending people left, right and centre, and with no insight?

On Wednesday, I took part in a Diversity Training course. I didn’t learn much about diversity, but I did learn that people can be easily offended. Either that or I’m a dick. The latter might be true. I smell like sweaty old cheese and can be floppy or erect at will. I hold my hands up. I'm a dick.

It’s odd that I have such a diverse range of friends. I’m such a bigoted penis of a person. What the hell are they thinking?

Did you spot the hideously offensive word in my last blog entry? I left it there. I left it there for you, and I left it there for me. I like it and I’m stubborn. Yes, I have a lack of respect for the feelings of others and, if you are an other, you can always leave. This is Fabland and in Fabland we are all free. I welcome you with love and I wave you away with glee. Go shag a goat. Stay for crumpets and tea. Do whatever you please.


Still here? Cool. Then, let’s play Blankety Blank. It’s a comeback kind of a show.

49.76% of the world’s population are BLANKS.

BLANK is used in plural form when referring to the busiest of the single sex toilets.

In America, if the Head of State is male, then his wife is the First BLANK

There’s a pretty red winged insect and it sports amazing black spots. It is half bird (or for the Americans ‘bug’) and half BLANK. It’s a BLANKbird.


Have you got it, yet?

Yes, the missing word is ‘LADY’. But, don’t say it out loud. If you use it, you are wrong. Very wrong. Just brimming with wrongness.

Women are NOT ladies, they NEVER have been ladies and they NEVER will be ladies. You should NOT call them that. If you do, they will hit you over the head with a spade. They are women.

I go to the women’s toilet, the President’s wife is the First Woman and those wonderful spotty insects are womenbirds or womenbugs.

When called by its British English name, the ladybird finds itself with two derogatory names for a female in one. It’s a cruel world. It’s a lovely beetle.

To top it all off, the finicky, ‘words can’t evolve’, bastards are in collusion with MSWord. Every time I type ‘lady’ or ‘ladies’, it corrects me. Apparently, I should be using the terms ‘woman’, ‘women’, ‘person’ or ‘people’ and I’m fed up with it.

To me, the word ‘woman’ sounds old and haggard. I don’t want to be a woman. I have no objection to being a lady. I know which I prefer. Lady Fabpants. The word lady has a pleasant ring to it. It ends with a ‘y’, like Emily, Happy or Titty. I like words that end with a ‘y’. I even like the nastier ones, such as Junky or Robbery. They sound so friendly.

So, if I ever refer to a gaggle, throng, trick or horde of females as ‘ladies’, I’m not saying it because I think that they are elegant, refined or preoccupied with correct behaviour. I’m not saying it because I‘m obsessed with their sexual instrumentation or gender. I’m saying it, because, in my preposterous opinion, the word has a likeable ring to it. I like to use it when I’m being friendly or affectionate.

I’m not a girlie girl, but I have my limits. I like words that make a lovely sound and I like language to evolve towards them.

In that light, I might start to use the words ‘Ladies’, ‘Junkies’ and ‘Titties’ interchangeably when referring to any group of mammals, regardless of species, sex, gender, addiction or hair colour. You never know, it might catch on.

Have a good weekend everyone. Have a good weekend ladies. Have a good weekend junkies. Have a good weekend titties. Have a good weekend all.

Fabpants Recommends: Air France – No Way Down. It’s Socialist roof top music. Here’s a couple of tasters.

Download MP3: Air France - Collapsing At Your Doorstep (courtesy of polaroidallaradio.it)




Download MP3: Air France - No Excuses (courtesy of rraurl.com)