It’s Such a Perfect Day

I was taken out today. In an ‘I’ve been out’ with Nicholas Parsons kind of way. Nicholas Parsons! Nicholas bloody Parsons! I’m not actually dead; sorry. I was taken out for lunch in a mad but fancy restaurant (yum yum), fondled the Tate’s crack (it’s much bigger than mine), saw Elephant and Castle - Stick it up your Arsehole - from a pod from on high, way up in the sky, watched Beowulf hide his lust muscle in 3D and then visited another Old English Pub. It was bloody brilliant.

Yes, they really do use the terms 'lust muscle' and 'wank' in Beowulf and it's a certificate 12. Angelina Jolie won't let her own children see the film because of the nudity. Instead her bairns are going to listen to an audio version of the film. 'What's a lust muscle mummy?'